This is 30.

To be totally honest, I've been thinking about writing this post for a year. That's probably the most dramatic that I'm going to be at the prospect of turning 30 -- imagining this post. But I hardly write anymore and I've been reflecting a lot about the past ..... decade... and feel the need to express what I'm feeling. So, here it is friends, an open letter to my 20-year-old self, on the eve of my 30th birthday.

Yo Kate.

(That was not your 20th birthday, but just seemed appropriate. This was taken the fall after your 21st birthday actually. End disclaimer.

But while we are at it, you regret that haircut sometimes. OK, now end disclaimer).

Well, here we are. A whole decade later. 

Your life right now is consumed with college, freedom, crappy summer jobs, and changing tides in your family. This summer is a big one for you, but you'll look back mostly on the happy times. The late-night Perkin's runs with your friends. The concerts and baggy dickie's (future self says -- whaaat were those about). Rolling around in someone's car just to listen to The Used, and dreaming about your future.

Here's what you thought you'd be doing in 10 years, if you thought that far ahead at all:

Location: New York City or D.C. -- or some BIG city. Yeahhh (Future self can hardly say that without a hint of self-deprecating sarcasm) 

Occupation: News journalist or PR professional

Hobbies: Concert enthusiast, having hoards of interesting friends, being cool

Boyfriend? You bet -- he's in a band, but works by day at some stable-job that I find interesting

Here is what you are actually doing:

Location: 40 minutes from where you grew up.

Occupation: Operations director for a marketing company in town that works in higher ed

Hobbies: OMG HOBBIES..... um, cooking, school, movies, playing house with your HOUSE, trying stuff like gardening and pet-training, farmer's markets, hostessing, making plans with people

Boyfriend? Husband actually. You married the nice guy with the red crew cut and loveable family.

I know you'd be concerned with that description, because your life is pretty....uh, conventional. So, here's how it happened:

Location: Turns out, you love your family. What's more, you love being close to your family. In another 6 months, you're going to take an internship for a semester in Washington, D.C. You're going to have a blast, and D.C. will always have a special place in your heart -- but one Sunday night, you'll listen to your little sis's high school jazz concert from your cell phone, and you'll cry like a crazy person because you're not there and nothing is more important to you than your family. You would throw down for them at 20, and that only gets more intense by the time you turned 30. You remember that.

Oh, and you value stability -- you know, good job in a place where you can actually afford to live? Yeah, you like that.

Occupation: The way you're being mentored and educated, you'd never know that at 20 -- you don't know bull about where your strengths are. But no regrets -- in your brief stint as a news reporter, you met some amazing people and told some amazing stories. Your news-friends are some of the most fun, interesting people you know. You learned to communicate by getting to the freaking point and have professional poise in front of others. Those are good skills.

But here's the thing. You're not a details gal. You knew this when mom tried to teach you to play piano and sew. Intricacies aren't your thing. Reporting was hard for you because the smallest error resulted in an embarrassing correction. You also have the urge to lead, put out ideas and watch them grow into successes. Finally at 28, you decided to go to grad school and get your MBA. You like marketing. The ideas-meets-strategy is a good fit. Warning though -- you're officially the Chandler Bing of your friends. No one can explain what you do, and that's OK.

Hobbies: You started this blog as a reflection of your new adult life. 20-year-old you is riding the tide, having fun and going out. As it turns out, you love music, but don't love concert/festival culture. You would gladly trade a packed show to a quiet bistro where you can see the artist think. You'd trade the pretentious I-liked-XXX-when-they-were-first-cool culture for discovering albums of folk artists from 10 years back. You don't like standing packed in with a bunch of sweaty, pushing, breathing people. And GASP -- you missed choirs and choir music. DOUBLE GASP -- your life is so busy now that you rely on others to discover new music for you.

Your hobbies now are like a boomerang shot back to the way you grew up. You like cooking because your mom cooked. You like house projects and historic homes because your home makes you feel comfortable and secure (like your old house did growing up). You just can't take the small town outta the girl, and I swear you are *thisclose* to working your way toward a dream home on an acreage on the edge of some town. (NOT on a farm, who needs that much solitude?.... Just an acreage with a pond.... and room for a garden, and lots of trees..... and ahhhhh, crap.)

Just like you didn't know yet what your career strengths are, you are choosing the not-ideal guys. I didn't say wrong, but you had a lot of mental asterisks in your head at the time. You had fun, you had no regrets(ish), but when you realized the right one was the right one? There's no pressure. People who tell you that the hard stuff comes along with the love.... don't really have love. Because when you pick the right one, the pressure's off. Hard stuff comes along, sure, but the hard part isn't choosing to be together.  You held out. (And you almost didn't give him a chance!) 

You made it through this decade with nearly no regrets. That's something to be really proud of. But because no eve-of-30 post would be complete without a list of regrets, here they are:

-- Before you leave college, spend more time expanding your interests, study abroad and don't be in such a hurry to leave. Your student loans will be there anyway...... (and just sayin' interest rates were AWESOME for you #grownupproblems)

-- Give faith a chance. At thirty, you feel like you have so much to be grateful for, and you only have one thing you can do to express that gratitude (that's church). The longer you go, the more you realize that everything can disappear in a second, and it makes you humble. Even though 20 was tough, you're blessed. Just think about it....

-- The blonde hair you tried not once, not twice... but three times? Stop it. It's expensive and makes your eyebrows look like Frida Kahlo's.

-- Start saving money sooner, stop thinking about things to buy to make you feel better that moment. (40-year-old Kate will probably say the same thing).

-- Relationships -- even the most important ones of your life -- are not absolutes. There are no "traditional" family roles and friends come/go/and then come back. Try and ditch the expectations and make your own rules.

-- Whenever you get anxious and shy before you meet new people? Stop it. You'll be fine and have fun anyway.

So, there you go, 20-year-old Kate. It's been a good decade. Oh! And before I forget, you've been in two car accidents in the last 10 years (no serious injuries other than to your car insurance premium....) BUT YOU STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET. 

BAM,

Over and out,

30-Year-Old-Kate

What was I saying? Oh yeah...

I DO have a blog.

If this blog were a long.... long lost friend, I'd start this conversation like:

"Hey. How ARE you? I'm sure it doesn't seem like it, but I think of you often. I've been meaning to call.... but.... you know. Life?"

It's totally true. I've had many moments in the past.... what -- 9? months where I thought to myself "Self, I'd really like to write about this."

But the moment to actually do it never seems to come.

Tim and I are busier than ever, but in many ways, it feels like we are just hitting our stride. Between jobs, clubs, school and choir -- and family/friends -- night time TV watching is at all all-time low in the Nash household. We just aren't home as much. Some weeks I feel like I can barely keep up, others I'm really grateful to finally commit myself to things that make me happy and make me a better person.

It's crazy to think how long it took me to get here. It takes a LOT of courage after college to get back in the game. All the way through school, I always had SOMETHING other than studying -- music, extracurriculars, etc. Things I truly enjoyed. After college, you have to seek those things out, and THEN find the bravery to put yourself out there in front of strangers.

Also, the transition from school to an 8-10 hour a day desk job is rough, folks. I remember coming home many days just exhausted from focusing on almost one thing all..... day.... long.

For me, I started to get restless in my mid-20s. I know I needed more in my life than work and friends (although those are blessings all on their own). But where to start? I volunteered for a hot second (documented in this blog). I sang in a random community choir for a minute. But nothing stuck -- I was tired after work still and couldn't stick with it.

So now -- when I gladly have a few days a week where I'm gone for 14-15 hours -- what changed?

I can't answer that question right now. I just know that there are many moments in my day where I feel like, "This is where I'm supposed to be." It's crazy. And now that I said that out loud, I'm sure something will come into my life and shake things up again! It's just God's way of keeping you grounded, I'm sure.

So, here's what's changed in 9 months:

1. We have a 112-pound dog now, and she's awesome. My patience is tested, but less, and she is such a burst of happy energy in our day.

2. I got another promotion at work (they must be crazy). Every day I'm humbled and challenged. I'm grateful for the faith the leadership team keeps putting in me, and I'm excited to see what change I can affect!

3. So many family moments in the last year -- the biggest being two new baby boys/nephews. They are so sweet, my heart wants to burst when I get to see them! (Which isn't often enough). I must be in a phase lately -- but so often I reflect on how proud I am of my family. For real -- we aren't perfect, no one is -- but my family is funny, talented, caring, salt-of-the-earth types. I love living close by (or no more than a 4-hour drive).

4. A few more classes down -- I think I'm about halfway through my MBA program. Corporate finance this semester -- two weeks before my final! I've been really challenged this semester with things I've never been confident in -- numbers, mainly. Putting in the time, though -- and doing ok!

5. Celebrated our third anniversary. I'm not sure who said the first year (or so) of marriage was the hardest, but I'm not sure where the truth is in that. I picked a good one, and he puts up with me! That's all.

So, there we have it, blog. The highlight reel. If this were a conversation with a long-lost friend, we'd be looking in our calendars for a time to meet up for coffee in 6 months. Until then, I guess :)

On hiatus

Let's state the obvious. I barely post in here! It's been another few, busy months. I feel compelled to return, though -- for a few reasons.

1) The handful of you who read this (and maybe enjoy it?)
2) So I can re-read my own posts once and awhile and ground myself. When I actually have to write out what's happening in my life, I tell it like it really is. (The heckler who lives in my brain doesn't have opposable thumbs and can't type. So, I win).

Tim is gone for his annual guard training, and when he goes away for periods of time, I revert to the purest forms of my quirkiest self. My house has never been cleaner, I've never been more anxious to meet up with friends to do fun things, and I've been living off of cereal for the most part. All of it makes no sense.

I tell you what, though, having your person leave for awhile makes you crazy thankful for all they do in your life. You know what really motivated me to finally update this blog?

Poop.

Yes. That was the final push. We have a precious window of time this weekend when it's not going to rain, and I need to use it to clean up the yard a bit and mow/trim/weed. This is usually Tim's job. He deals with the gross jobs because he knows I hate them. But, while he is gone, I need to do it or risk neighborhood embarrassment. So, here I sit, updating you all on what's going on in my life, all to avoid coming within three feet of dog crap.

I've also had to suck it up and come home every day to let Polly out, take out the trash, and attempt to stuff puppy antibiotics into a hot dog. All. Gross. Things. (Polly has been struggling with excesses of bacteria in her system, joy of joys. Also, I ditched the hot dog plan after day 1 and moved to the peanut butter plan, for those of you who were curious).

So, another week to go and I get my person back. Then, things return to homeostasis. (Apologies if you come into contact with me before then, I'm not in control of myself).

Other updates -- we are having a good and busy spring/summer..... swinter? It seems like every weekend there are plans to look forward to. Recently, we celebrated a few weddings which were beautiful and fun and FULL of catching up with friends.

It's blurry, but these are [most] of my P-C friends in one place!

Work is keeping us both busy, and I'm getting the opportunity to travel more on sales meetings. I'm loving the meetings and the thrill of selling prospective clients, but the travel has been less-than glamorous. (If you catch my random status updates on Facebook, you can see this).

I'm in class again this summer, too, and same story as my other classes. I'm soaking it up. I never would have guessed graduating college that these skills/opportunities would excite and challenge me, but there you have it. That's life for you. I'm toying the idea of writing a blog post in the future directed at my 20-year-old self to this point. (20-year-old Kate and my brain heckler gang up on me sometimes with my life choices....)

I can't figure out how to rotate pictures from my phone, but check out this note someone left in my "Accounting for MBAs" text book :)

OK, that's..... 25 minutes wasted. Time to go confront the yard.

Until next time!

It's still not spring

Almost three months after that last post, and it's still not spring.

Also, it's been three months since I posted? Where did the time go?

Here's what's happened around here, list-style:

1) Celebrated Mardi Gras in St. Louis for the first time in years. Had a blast with my siblings and other STL funtimes friends.

2) Celebrated anniversary No. 2 with Tim, at the same place we went last year. Avoided getting sick beforehand but ate so much delicious, rich food that I thought I'd go into a coma. Took pictures that didn't save on the camera, boo.

3) Busy at work, busy at home. Meetings, meetings, plans, plans, plans. Working out, not working out. Eating crap, feeling guilty and eating better.

4) Joined All Saints, and the choir. Happy to be singing again, love the older ladies in the soprano section :)

5) Celebrated St. Patrick's Day a day early with friends. Breakfast, cards, wandering, bar time, food time, movie time, sleep.

6) Next few weeks will be another whirlwind -- Easter, film festivals with Tim's mom/stepdad in attendance (excited), finally finishing taxes, then a work trip to NYC, then the annual officer ball in Des Moines. That takes us to.... mid-April. Whoa. Must find appropriate attire for both the work trip and officer ball.

7) I finally got an iPhone. That doesn't necessarily deserve its own list number, except that it might mean I post more pictures.

8) Took Polly to the dog park for the first time and watched her in pure, doggy bliss. Only took 30 minutes for her to be cashed out for the rest of the day. A pack of huskies also showed her that there are consequences to knocking little kids down. No consequences to knocking over the communal water bowl, though.

9) Class is going fine, and I'm keeping up with the content. Sorta geeked up about re-learning algebra (it wasn't fun 12 years ago, but I like knowing things now, so that helps keep my head in the game). The professor works hard to keep econ light (funny, even) to make the 3+-hour stretch every week go as quickly as possible.

I can't believe how quickly the weeks are going. In the meantime, I need for the weather to catch up to me. Our backyard is trashed, along with half the screen porch that we love. Wonder if that has anything to do with the 90+ pound puppy terrorizing the house? (Terror until 9 p.m. when she crumples into a squishy, adorable, sleepy puppy pile and I can finally pet her).

Like that.

Anyway, my OCD is on overdrive and I want things back in order, stat.

Easter is upon us, also. I haven't really done the Catholic "Easter thing" in years but was motivated (? if that's the right word?) this year to get back into it. After 10 years on hiatus, I'm  ready for Sundays to be about reflection and family again. No matter what is happening politically in the Catholic church, it honestly doesn't affect me. It's how I grew up, I know where I stand, and it's been nice to have in my life again. Plus, when I do have weekend days where I do nothing and go nowhere, I feel SUPER restless and even a little depressed. Does that happen to anyone else? The level of laziness used to be my favorite thing.

I told Tim he could make me fish on Fridays, and I've gone to mass pretty regularly throughout Lent. I can't explain it, but I really love this time of year in church. It's really reflective, and even somber (I asked Tim to come with me this past weekend, and just ask him what he thought about Palm Sunday mass from the perspective of a Protestant). But then Easter comes and it's like this huge release. The music and liturgy become celebratory and it really ushers in spring for me.

That, and every year I HAVE to watch "The Ten Commandments" with Charlton Heston. And eat Reese's peanut butter cup eggs. Best shape of pb cup, in my opinion.

Cheers!

Pump the brakes, guys

Now that Christmas is over, my blog rolls and Facebook feeds are full of posts pleading for spring to be here.

Whoa.

I know I've said this a lot, and I might be crazy, but I LOVE the seasons. I definitely haven't gotten my fill of winter yet!


For those of you who have forgotten, this summer was hot. Stupid hot. So hot, that we all barely needed to wear coats until the Snowmaggedon hit us before Christmas.

All I can think of was the blast of hot air that greeted me every time I left a car or building, the sweat beads on my forehead and dying/dead yard. So hot, that you actually don't want to be outside.

I'm pretty grateful that snow is hiding my yard right now :) I love sweaters, coats, blankets, something warm and bubbly on the stove...

 (photo credit)

So here it is, friends, a find-your-inner-winter-lover guide. To carry you through at least February.

1. Find one of these, stat.

There is nothing more romantic/winter than a fireplace. The crackling, the ambiance, the couldn't-be-more-cozy. If you can't locate one, make plans with us and we'll show you :)

2. Try a new soup/stew/casserole/bread/cocktail recipe that you would never think of eating or making when it's 80+ degrees out. I made a sweet/spicy chili this weekend (um, not a part of our pre-cleanse) with jalepeno-cheddar corn bread and it was like a hug. I'm trying to locate a good, classic recipe for hot toddies and some cozy appetizers for a gathering this weekend** and couldn't be more stoked. I'm actually excited that temps are going to drop again.

3. Get away. And I don't mean to Cancun. For our second anniversary, Tim and I just caved and decided to spend a weekend here again. Forget finding a new bathing suit and beach cover-up, I'm on the hunt for a new ROBE. BAM. 

4. I'm no health nut, but I totally understand the whole seasonal-depression-lacking-sun nutrients thing you get in the winter. For me, this is a great time to get started at the gym again. I've realized over time that this tendency isn't attached to any real New Year's resolution (I suck at goals), but things are just slightly less busy/noisy right now, and the extra energy and endorphins I get from working out keep the seasonal slump at bay. Right now, my gym routine isn't intense -- at least 3-4 days a week, treadmill/elliptical and squats/lunges/crunches, and I hope to increase it in the next few weeks (and potentially switch gyms) to incorporate group fitness classes again (I actually miss spinning classes.)

5. This doesn't appeal to everyone (if you are low-key when it comes to clothes), but dress the part. Get a new cozy sweater (yup, this happened, only in black, and I'd really love a new one of these). 

That's all. If you have other winter survival (read: thrival, yes, I made up that word) tips (any good reads to recommend? Feeling crafty?), post a comment and share them with me. And for heaven's sake -- I've heard predictions that this summer will be at least as hot and dry as the last one, so don't wish away our natural cooling off period! I'm not ready to face the tan tines, cellulite-bearing, and mess of a yard.

***This weekend, Tim and I are getting the chance to see the final edit of  The Formula, a movie project he's been working on with some other really rad people. We're planning to host the writer/directors and executive producer at our house for a little sneak peak and celebration. Unfortunately, we are going to miss the premiere at The Englert on Sat. Jan. 19, but that doesn't mean you have to! Represent for us: Reserve your tickets now. The event is free!

Did I mention that supporting local, independent movie projects was a key winter thrival tip? Because it is.

It's time

It's time to take the Christmas tree down, and it's a sad day.

The holidays are nearly over, soon I'll be back to the grind of life, and it will be another year before we get the opportunity to gather our favorite people together for endless parties and days off together.

It's hard. As you can clearly see, our tree is ready to rejoin the earth, first in the corner of the yard, then when we burn it at Easter for the second annual "Mas Fuego" gathering (more on that later).

As a neat freak, I'm really bothered by all the needles in my house right now, but cleaning this time means putting an end to the holiday cheer and hunkering down for the rest of winter.

See the cheer?

But, it's time. A new year is upon us, and we are actually still firming our plans to ring it in. In the meantime, here's what's on my mind as I plan to welcome 2013:

What are we doing tonight? Also, we totally forgot that we have this little cutie to take care of tonight:

Since the holidays are over, I need to decide what Tim and I should do for our anniversary/something-to-celebrate-after-Christmas plans and make a reservation (this is the place I have my eye on :) I knooooowwww....)

After a year and a few months in our house, we finally blew a fuse or two and now the kitchen light and outlets near the TV don't work. TV AND KITCHEN ARE MY FAVORITES -- must fix soon.

Like a true glutton, I feel like crap after days of all-I-can-eat-and-drink-and-no-gym. Bought a book about cleansing and am planning a juice cleanse soon. Don't worry, I'm sure I'll have lots to say about the experience :) As you know, Tim and I really love extreme diet and exercise plans this time of year that we forget within a month or two.

Last, but not least, I head back to work Wednesday and am spending some time today combing through emails and trying to remember what exactly I was working on before break. My first day back at work is going to be the mental equivalent of a juice cleanse. Awwweeeesome.

That's enough for now. I hope you all had wonderful holidays, and are planning to celebrate the end of 2012 tonight. Cheers!

Make the rough places plain

Next week is the last full week before I'm off work for Christmas. I remember this time last year, I was busy trying to force the holiday season upon myself, and while there has been a degree of that this year (did you know 104.5 only has 4-5 songs holiday they play on repeat?) I've mostly been too wrapped up in other things to even notice much.

The house is decorated and gorgeous. My mom (who is way cooler than Pinterest) showed me how to make a real wreath and garland from leftover tree boughs.
My animals gave me new  Jingle Pals, a new Christmas book, and a new ornament of a dog to mark our year.
I've watched a few holiday movies, done some shopping.
I saw "Meet Me in St. Louis" at the local theater.
There is no snow and barely any reason to wear a coat.
Oh, and I'm overwhelmed with keeping all our plans and family time straight. (That's a given).

My real problem is trying to force the holiday on myself. I try desperately to make new traditions and feel the way I felt growing up. I try to control things. You know the weird thing? I re-read my blog post from last year, where I whined about how things aren't the same. And then looking back, I've realized that every holiday season has been great in its own way, in ways that I couldn't predict. It just happened, no matter how worked up I was.

I'm already forming New Year's resolutions in my head related to this. I want to try in the coming year to let go, just a bit. I'm expending a lot of energy trying to get my way -- over the weather, over my work, over our plans, what I think I need to do about my appearance/health and definitely getting my way with the cleanliness of the house (who can't physically sit down when they get home until the dishes are out of the sink, counters wiped down, dining table is clean, dog toys are in the basket and stuff is off the tables by the couch??!!!). It's just bananas.

Other things I want in the next year:

I really need to lock in and get some pictures on this blog. I'm such a visual person and I live my life with images of areas and things that comfort me -- a sunny corner of the kitchen, my elephant-shaped humidifier by the bed (UN ELEPHANTE = what he is called), Tim's piles of change and books everywhere... I want to document those here.

Now that I'm on my way with grad school, I have to dig in to another interest area I  miss -- singing. I've almost choked up about a million times this holiday season thinking about what I used to  do this time of year. Caroling, concerts, yearly performances of Handel's "Messiah" -- the holiday season was a peak time and I miss it. I think some of my control issues stem from the fact that I'm not quite living dynamically enough. Not enough balance. Gets better every year, but this is a huge piece.

Enough pouring my heart out. It's holiday baking time this weekend! I am armed (heh heh) and ready with a ton of butter and mallow fluff. Also, Polly went under the knife today! Tim brought her upstairs this morning so I could say good-bye/good luck and my heart almost melted. Getting spayed is SO ROUTINE but I just love our little Costco-sized puppy, even if she makes me crazy.

Happy Holidays!