This is 30.

To be totally honest, I've been thinking about writing this post for a year. That's probably the most dramatic that I'm going to be at the prospect of turning 30 -- imagining this post. But I hardly write anymore and I've been reflecting a lot about the past ..... decade... and feel the need to express what I'm feeling. So, here it is friends, an open letter to my 20-year-old self, on the eve of my 30th birthday.

Yo Kate.

(That was not your 20th birthday, but just seemed appropriate. This was taken the fall after your 21st birthday actually. End disclaimer.

But while we are at it, you regret that haircut sometimes. OK, now end disclaimer).

Well, here we are. A whole decade later. 

Your life right now is consumed with college, freedom, crappy summer jobs, and changing tides in your family. This summer is a big one for you, but you'll look back mostly on the happy times. The late-night Perkin's runs with your friends. The concerts and baggy dickie's (future self says -- whaaat were those about). Rolling around in someone's car just to listen to The Used, and dreaming about your future.

Here's what you thought you'd be doing in 10 years, if you thought that far ahead at all:

Location: New York City or D.C. -- or some BIG city. Yeahhh (Future self can hardly say that without a hint of self-deprecating sarcasm) 

Occupation: News journalist or PR professional

Hobbies: Concert enthusiast, having hoards of interesting friends, being cool

Boyfriend? You bet -- he's in a band, but works by day at some stable-job that I find interesting

Here is what you are actually doing:

Location: 40 minutes from where you grew up.

Occupation: Operations director for a marketing company in town that works in higher ed

Hobbies: OMG HOBBIES..... um, cooking, school, movies, playing house with your HOUSE, trying stuff like gardening and pet-training, farmer's markets, hostessing, making plans with people

Boyfriend? Husband actually. You married the nice guy with the red crew cut and loveable family.

I know you'd be concerned with that description, because your life is pretty....uh, conventional. So, here's how it happened:

Location: Turns out, you love your family. What's more, you love being close to your family. In another 6 months, you're going to take an internship for a semester in Washington, D.C. You're going to have a blast, and D.C. will always have a special place in your heart -- but one Sunday night, you'll listen to your little sis's high school jazz concert from your cell phone, and you'll cry like a crazy person because you're not there and nothing is more important to you than your family. You would throw down for them at 20, and that only gets more intense by the time you turned 30. You remember that.

Oh, and you value stability -- you know, good job in a place where you can actually afford to live? Yeah, you like that.

Occupation: The way you're being mentored and educated, you'd never know that at 20 -- you don't know bull about where your strengths are. But no regrets -- in your brief stint as a news reporter, you met some amazing people and told some amazing stories. Your news-friends are some of the most fun, interesting people you know. You learned to communicate by getting to the freaking point and have professional poise in front of others. Those are good skills.

But here's the thing. You're not a details gal. You knew this when mom tried to teach you to play piano and sew. Intricacies aren't your thing. Reporting was hard for you because the smallest error resulted in an embarrassing correction. You also have the urge to lead, put out ideas and watch them grow into successes. Finally at 28, you decided to go to grad school and get your MBA. You like marketing. The ideas-meets-strategy is a good fit. Warning though -- you're officially the Chandler Bing of your friends. No one can explain what you do, and that's OK.

Hobbies: You started this blog as a reflection of your new adult life. 20-year-old you is riding the tide, having fun and going out. As it turns out, you love music, but don't love concert/festival culture. You would gladly trade a packed show to a quiet bistro where you can see the artist think. You'd trade the pretentious I-liked-XXX-when-they-were-first-cool culture for discovering albums of folk artists from 10 years back. You don't like standing packed in with a bunch of sweaty, pushing, breathing people. And GASP -- you missed choirs and choir music. DOUBLE GASP -- your life is so busy now that you rely on others to discover new music for you.

Your hobbies now are like a boomerang shot back to the way you grew up. You like cooking because your mom cooked. You like house projects and historic homes because your home makes you feel comfortable and secure (like your old house did growing up). You just can't take the small town outta the girl, and I swear you are *thisclose* to working your way toward a dream home on an acreage on the edge of some town. (NOT on a farm, who needs that much solitude?.... Just an acreage with a pond.... and room for a garden, and lots of trees..... and ahhhhh, crap.)

Just like you didn't know yet what your career strengths are, you are choosing the not-ideal guys. I didn't say wrong, but you had a lot of mental asterisks in your head at the time. You had fun, you had no regrets(ish), but when you realized the right one was the right one? There's no pressure. People who tell you that the hard stuff comes along with the love.... don't really have love. Because when you pick the right one, the pressure's off. Hard stuff comes along, sure, but the hard part isn't choosing to be together.  You held out. (And you almost didn't give him a chance!) 

You made it through this decade with nearly no regrets. That's something to be really proud of. But because no eve-of-30 post would be complete without a list of regrets, here they are:

-- Before you leave college, spend more time expanding your interests, study abroad and don't be in such a hurry to leave. Your student loans will be there anyway...... (and just sayin' interest rates were AWESOME for you #grownupproblems)

-- Give faith a chance. At thirty, you feel like you have so much to be grateful for, and you only have one thing you can do to express that gratitude (that's church). The longer you go, the more you realize that everything can disappear in a second, and it makes you humble. Even though 20 was tough, you're blessed. Just think about it....

-- The blonde hair you tried not once, not twice... but three times? Stop it. It's expensive and makes your eyebrows look like Frida Kahlo's.

-- Start saving money sooner, stop thinking about things to buy to make you feel better that moment. (40-year-old Kate will probably say the same thing).

-- Relationships -- even the most important ones of your life -- are not absolutes. There are no "traditional" family roles and friends come/go/and then come back. Try and ditch the expectations and make your own rules.

-- Whenever you get anxious and shy before you meet new people? Stop it. You'll be fine and have fun anyway.

So, there you go, 20-year-old Kate. It's been a good decade. Oh! And before I forget, you've been in two car accidents in the last 10 years (no serious injuries other than to your car insurance premium....) BUT YOU STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET. 

BAM,

Over and out,

30-Year-Old-Kate

What was I saying? Oh yeah...

I DO have a blog.

If this blog were a long.... long lost friend, I'd start this conversation like:

"Hey. How ARE you? I'm sure it doesn't seem like it, but I think of you often. I've been meaning to call.... but.... you know. Life?"

It's totally true. I've had many moments in the past.... what -- 9? months where I thought to myself "Self, I'd really like to write about this."

But the moment to actually do it never seems to come.

Tim and I are busier than ever, but in many ways, it feels like we are just hitting our stride. Between jobs, clubs, school and choir -- and family/friends -- night time TV watching is at all all-time low in the Nash household. We just aren't home as much. Some weeks I feel like I can barely keep up, others I'm really grateful to finally commit myself to things that make me happy and make me a better person.

It's crazy to think how long it took me to get here. It takes a LOT of courage after college to get back in the game. All the way through school, I always had SOMETHING other than studying -- music, extracurriculars, etc. Things I truly enjoyed. After college, you have to seek those things out, and THEN find the bravery to put yourself out there in front of strangers.

Also, the transition from school to an 8-10 hour a day desk job is rough, folks. I remember coming home many days just exhausted from focusing on almost one thing all..... day.... long.

For me, I started to get restless in my mid-20s. I know I needed more in my life than work and friends (although those are blessings all on their own). But where to start? I volunteered for a hot second (documented in this blog). I sang in a random community choir for a minute. But nothing stuck -- I was tired after work still and couldn't stick with it.

So now -- when I gladly have a few days a week where I'm gone for 14-15 hours -- what changed?

I can't answer that question right now. I just know that there are many moments in my day where I feel like, "This is where I'm supposed to be." It's crazy. And now that I said that out loud, I'm sure something will come into my life and shake things up again! It's just God's way of keeping you grounded, I'm sure.

So, here's what's changed in 9 months:

1. We have a 112-pound dog now, and she's awesome. My patience is tested, but less, and she is such a burst of happy energy in our day.

2. I got another promotion at work (they must be crazy). Every day I'm humbled and challenged. I'm grateful for the faith the leadership team keeps putting in me, and I'm excited to see what change I can affect!

3. So many family moments in the last year -- the biggest being two new baby boys/nephews. They are so sweet, my heart wants to burst when I get to see them! (Which isn't often enough). I must be in a phase lately -- but so often I reflect on how proud I am of my family. For real -- we aren't perfect, no one is -- but my family is funny, talented, caring, salt-of-the-earth types. I love living close by (or no more than a 4-hour drive).

4. A few more classes down -- I think I'm about halfway through my MBA program. Corporate finance this semester -- two weeks before my final! I've been really challenged this semester with things I've never been confident in -- numbers, mainly. Putting in the time, though -- and doing ok!

5. Celebrated our third anniversary. I'm not sure who said the first year (or so) of marriage was the hardest, but I'm not sure where the truth is in that. I picked a good one, and he puts up with me! That's all.

So, there we have it, blog. The highlight reel. If this were a conversation with a long-lost friend, we'd be looking in our calendars for a time to meet up for coffee in 6 months. Until then, I guess :)